I haven’t written a journal entry since October began because I’ve just felt quite shitty about myself and it’s not fun to think about this inner turmoil! It doesn’t help that slacking on my photo journal entries has added an extra layer of guilt to the mix.

Right, so I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I just feel frustrated as all hell because the world revolves around this capitalistic idea that in order to be a productive member of society you need to have a job. You have to contribute in some way or else like what’s the point?

My job making candles is something I’ve been doing for four years and although I enjoy creating candles, it does not make me any money. It never has!! I just feel so down about the fact that my passion doesn’t contribute to mine and Alex’s lifestyle and frankly it’s just costing us money every month because of the studio we’ve rented out. I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m a burden and that I’m taking up too much space and blah blah blah, and now that money is so fucking tight for our household because of bills I feel that way even more.

Like at what point do I throw in the towel and say “it was a good run” with my business? I can’t just not do anything, and although I have many talents (painting, photography, interior design, graphic design) I just don’t have any desire to do that for other people or to do the marketing necessary to sell my art etc. So I’m like stuck in this loop going ’round in my head: I need money to do things I like (dance class, shopping, movies, etc) but I am tired of feeling like I have to exploit myself in order to get money, but I can’t just do nothing every day, but I can’t just do the things I like to do because they cost money…

I hate that self-worth is tied to jobs and careers and success. Makes me feel like a failure.

So I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

My journal entries going forward may be more photo based. I just don’t know what to write about when I’m feeling like this and it just doesn’t feel helpful to write about how I feel like a failure every day.

Right, I’m going to find a scary movie to watch. Hoping that’ll distract me enough!