So much of my time last year was spent doubting myself and questioning my intentions. I went through so many changes in a short period of time that it completely overwhelmed me, engulfing me like an unexpected wave against the shore. Sometimes I look back at the mistakes I made and wish I could do them differently, although now I don’t think I would change much at all. A part of me believes that everything happens for a reason and that change is necessary to start a new chapter in the book of life. It’s a bitter reality that I really had to come to terms with, despite my best efforts. There was a point where I was being so hyper-critical and self-deprecating that I loathed every fiber of my being. I couldn’t stand to look myself in my mirror because I was disgusted by what I saw in myself physically and mentally.
Eventually, however, I was sick of how I was treating myself and that’s when I decided to make some serious changes in my life. I think I had to get to that low point to make myself realize just how much I needed to do this. Being kind to myself is still something I work towards on a daily basis, and even though sometimes I am far less forgiving and generous of myself than I know I can be, it’s all a learning process. Some days are better than others, that’s for sure.
Since I’ve gotten sick I’ve noticed a marked decline in my emotional state and it is a bit worrisome for me. I fear that I’ll relapse and all of my hard work towards kindness and self-discovery will have been for naught. But I need to give myself a massive pat on the back for the amount of progress I have made recently. My anxiety has been far less consuming than it has been for me in the past, which is quite an improvement in my eyes. Granted, there are still days when the doorbell rings and I get scared because I am not expecting anyone so I just ignore it and close the curtains, but overall I have been feeling less worried about interactions with strangers.
Lately my stomach has been bugging me but I can’t work out why. I wake up in the morning absolutely starving, and when I eat food I can only finish half of it before I’m full. The food I’ve been eating hasn’t changed recently, so I’m wondering if the stomach pains are related to this cold I’ve got at the moment. Everyone always says not to diagnose yourself, but I’m just curious and therefore I reserve the right to google my symptoms until I’m satisfied with the results! Really though, I just want to know if there’s anything I can do to fix myself before I decide to go see a doctor and have them say that nothing is wrong with me, hah.
It’s gotten so cold today! I woke up freezing and apparently the weather report for this weekend forecasts rain and snow on Saturday. I’m excited for the snow, but less so for the rain if I’m being completely honest. English rain isn’t nearly as impressive as the rain I used to experience in Florida, and I have a hunch that it’s largely down to the fact that the rain here is incredibly cold and misty. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got to report on today. Also: my husband got me the Deliciously Ella cookbook and I can’t wait to try some of the recipes!!!
