The sensitive feelings are still hanging around today, much to my dismay. It’s like I won’t notice that I’m feeling sensitive or more vulnerable until after the thing that upset me happens, and then it’s a massive shock. It would be nice if my phone and laptop could automatically detect when I’m feeling this way so I could have a digital layer of bubble wrap on everything. Since technology isn’t quite there yet, I’ve resorted to utilising the app limits in my phone’s screentime instead. It’s a bummer but it’s necessary for my mental health!
In other news, my supplements arrived today so I’m excited to see how they affect my gut health and premenstrual symptoms. I think my dietician said one of them will likely make my menstruation heavier but she did say that it’ll help balance out the premenstrual symptoms so fingers crossed that I’m able to cope with a heavy period if it comes! The last time I had one of those was in 2013 just after I got my first mirena and it lasted for multiple months. Not a great time. I’m probably still traumatised from it! But I’m also tired of sore breasts and cramping so… I don’t know, we’ll see.
I wish I had more to write about today but I’ve just been trying to manage my mental health and you know what, that’s gotta be enough. I know this journal is, ultimately, for my own posterity, but I am aware of the number of views this journal gets. It’s always a question in my mind of whether I’m doing this for myself or doing it for others. In all honesty, sometimes it feels like the latter because I know so many friends and family members are just curious about my life and I don’t want to upset or disappoint anybody.
I haven’t shared this anywhere online but an internet friend of mine recently took his own life. His name was Tyler May. He was a really sweet, kind, and funny guy. I got to know him a few years ago when I was doing the Make New Friends podcast and looking for blog post writers for the website. Tyler had a mental health podcast called Mr. Feels where he and his co-host shared their experiences living with bipolar disorder. Although we hadn’t kept in touch over the years, his loss has already had a significant impact on me. Knowing how much he had fought to work through this mental health issues, it just doesn’t feel fair that he’s gone. There have been extremely dark moments in my life where I couldn’t see a way out and I know how suffocating and heavy those feelings can be, so it breaks my heart even more to imagine how Tyler must have felt.
Losing an internet friend is strange, but it hurts just as much all the same. It’s never easy to lose anyone.
So I guess it makes sense that I’m feeling more sensitive than usual this week. I’ve been going through a fair amount and trying to manage all of the various emotions and stresses on top of day-to-day stuff. I’m lucky to have someone I can cry to about all of the things I’m feeling, with no fear of judgment. Sometimes you just need to cry.