I wonder how old I must have been when I first felt that pang of envy flash through my heart like a surge of electricity, hot, white, and gone in an instant. It was a new sensation but it would not be the last time I grumbled in frustration or held my tongue at the last second, but it always seemed to catch me off guard. Even on days when I was my happiest and most content self I found parts of me beginning to bubble and smoke where the electricity had once lived. After a while the electricity would fade and I would put it all behind me, an empty bottle that I thought to be full.

I couldn’t understand it or how I came to capture it inside my heart but it made me feel uneven and heavy around my peers. It was as if I were looking at them through a warped piece of glass, their faces made angular and bodies twice as large. No matter which way the glass turned I felt the warm buzz of envy emanate from my chest. There was nothing I could do to stop it without isolating myself completely, and even then the feeling never left. Each day the buzzing grew louder as the electricity snapped and crackled under my chin. Sparks jumped high and brushed my cheek. My chest rumbled heavily with thunder. It was as if I was haunting myself.

Then one day the buzzing subsided and I felt the electricity leave my chest. The envy didn’t disappear forever, unfortunately. The next time it crept up on me I stood my ground and allowed it to occupy my heart until I had enough. I was tired of dragging around all of that bottled up thunder in my chest, so I decided it was time to let it out.