Reluctant to Reward Myself

After yesterday’s journal entry, I sort of broke down at the realization that the last time my husband and I had a vacation was in May for our first wedding anniversary. It took a lot of coaxing on his part, but I eventually agreed to book a holiday in Brighton at the beginning of November. My little strop about holidays got me thinking: why am I so reluctant to reward myself?

For a very long time now I have been incredibly hesitant when it comes to purchasing stuff that my brain thinks are “unnecessary”. Holidays rank a lot lower on my list when compared to new winter coats or saving up for a tonsillectomy. Since I’m unemployed right now, I think it’s difficult for me to justify taking a “break” because, really, aren’t I always on a break?

Thinking like this is flawed in many ways, mainly because it means I am refusing to see the value in my hobbies since they aren’t a source of income. So when I look at what I’ve been doing this entire year, my brain thinks I haven’t done anything because I haven’t been earning money.

But let’s take a moment to take note of all of the things I have done this year:

  • Kept a daily photo journal
  • Completed an interior design diploma course
  • Followed a weekly gym routine
  • Taken care of two cats, a flat, my husband, and myself
  • Made a video every day during the month of October
  • Managed household budgets and savings
  • Planned and executed multiple interior design schemes

So yes, I do a lot. It’s unfair for me to think that I don’t deserve a vacation simply because I don’t go to work every day. I’ve been reluctant to allow myself this down time because I’m worried I’m not worthy of it. Taking time off to refresh, re-invigorate, and inspire me to return to my pursuits with a new sense of purpose is something I should have done a while ago. With National Novel Writing Month approaching, I’m really looking forward to spending some time by the seaside with my husband. It will be so nice to not have to worry about doing laundry or feeding the cats or tidying up around the house, even if it’s just for a couple of days. Plus, a change of scenery is always welcome.

day 295 reluctant to reward myself