What Do You Do?

day 12

Ugh. I feel like I’m getting stuck. Sometimes I sit down to write my journal entry and when I read it back it sounds like I’ve written a blog post instead. It feels a bit disingenuous. When I look back at the posts I used to write on livejournal waaay back in the day every detail was crucial and vivid. I was always doing so much with my time, even if it didn’t feel like it. And now when I look at my day I have to think for a moment and really search for the purpose. I don’t have a job, I’m not in school anymore, and my main hobbies include digesting media at a rapid pace.

A few months ago I kind of had a little bit of a personal crisis when I stopped to ask myself: what’s the point? At the time I wasn’t able to see my own self worth, which also manifested itself in other areas of my life and made me feel like crap all the time. But since that moment I’ve been trying to make sense of what I’m doing with my life.

If someone were to ask me:

What do you do?

I wouldn’t really know how to answer that question (mostly because I hate it), but also because I am not exactly sure.

Currently, I am unemployed, although I do freelance graphic design work from time to time. I used to have a part-time position as a social media manager, graphic designer, and community outreach assistant. Right now I’m undecided as to the direction I would like to take my career, but I feel very strongly that it will be in the art sector. In addition to graphic design I also make candles, I love to bake, I write fiction, and I am an enthusiastic cinephile. I could see myself working as an interior designer or owning and operating a small business one day.

With all of that in mind, I feel an immense societal need to apply for a job almost every day. I’m always looking to keep myself busy and learn new things but I have zero interest in being a sales assistant. I want to work somewhere that I can get excited about! I pour my efforts into every job I take on so working a shitty part-time job is not an option.

It’s clear that the perfect job for me would be to start my own business so that I can work for myself, but I still don’t even know what I would pursue! I have so many interests that it can be overwhelming to choose between all of them, and I wouldn’t want to make one of them my job and then end up hating it as a result. That, and I’m terrified of failure and I have a tendency to worry about everything.

Anyway, I’m just feeling stuck. I’ve been feeling stuck like this for almost a whole year and my fear of rejection is holding me back from doing anything worthwhile with my time. Hmph.