Staying up past three in the morning feeling miserable is the new fall trend, didn’t you know? So last night was pretty upsetting for me. I allowed my emotions to take the wheel for a bit and all that’s gotten me is a headache and a constant stream of self-loathing thoughts milling around in my brain. Crying helped a little bit, though, and at least I found a reason to let it all out. Crying for no reason is one of my least favorite activities so it really helped to give it a bit of purpose.
You know, I’m not going to sugar coat it: I am having a sad moment. I’m emotional (probably because I’m on my period, let’s face it) and it’s tough for me to put on a brave face and act like I’m totally fine when I’m totally not, you know? I wish I could say that this isn’t a regular occurrence for me but honestly it’s pretty common, and that’s exactly why I have a public and a private twitter account.
I get really insecure about myself and my friendships, to the point where I sabotage them to try and protect myself. It’s messed up and I hate that I do it and I’ve gotten better at it recently just because, frankly, I don’t have that many friendships to tank. Based on some stuff that’s happened in the past, I constantly think that I’m not worthy of friendship and therefore I worry that any friend I make will wise up to this notion and drop me faster than you can say “girl, bye”.
So what do I do? I put distance between me and friends because I don’t want to get hurt again. I also don’t want to mess it all up and hurt the other person, so I just sit around and try very hard to be a good friend without getting too close or being too vulnerable. I’m still healing from something that happened, like, two years ago! And the crazy thing is that I bet it doesn’t even affect the other person the way that it does me. It affects every friendship I have. I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to recover from this, and while I have made significant strides, there are times when it feels like I’m always going to be a seen as a shitty friend.
Look, I could literally write an entire book about my thoughts on friendship, but for now I think I’ve said enough. I’m still nervous to say too much on this subject because in the past it has definitely come back to bite me in the ass, so I’m going to wrap it up here. I really hope I can pull myself out of this miserable mood soon.