I don’t know when it started happening again, but at some point over the last few weeks I guess I let self-doubt settle in the back of my mind. Now, it’s the only thing I can think about and it’s been one hell of a task trying to do anything else all day. I had hoped that I would get some writing done or even go to the gym but instead I found myself growing frustrated with everything I did. Anyway, I’m trying to give myself time to relax and ride out this wave of depression, even though it’s fucking hard to do.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from having depression and anxiety, it’s got to be that these sorts of “bad episodes” don’t last forever. Sure, they might feel like they’ll never end, but with every pit, there is always a peak. Learning to accept when I’ve fallen in a pit and looking forward to climbing up toward the next peak is harder than it seems, especially when you have as little patience as I do for these things. Nonetheless, once you rewire the way your brain thinks about depressive episodes, they might not seem as bad as they used to. At least that’s my experience with it. Everyone is different, but it might be helpful to try thinking about things a little differently.
With that being said, today I was totally knocked out on my ass by my depression. I do not enjoy feeling this way, and that feeling is compounded when I think about all of the stuff I couldn’t do because my brain refused to focus on anything else. But tomorrow is another day, and hopefully it’ll be a little less upsetting. So I’m not going to beat myself up about all of the writing I didn’t do or the clothes I didn’t wash, because if we’re being real here, I can do it another day.