If I could undo one event from this past week, I think I would undo my sleep schedule.

Why is sleep so easy to come by when you’re young? I used to be able to nod off at the drop of a hat, especially at school or on the bus ride home. Lately I’ve been really struggling to get into bed and actually get some rest.

So what’s on my mind?

I’m thinking about my family a lot. Things have become really tense between me and them, and of course I’m in another country so a lot of the nuance in a conversation gets dropped through text messages. Living so far away from them during the pandemic hasn’t been ideal, either. I often get so perplexed and frustrated with all of the different regulations surrounding how the government is or isn’t handling COVID, but then that gets doubled when I remember how it is for my American family.

The last time Alex and I visited the states was in January of 2019 when we flew to New York for my grandmother’s 90th birthday. It feels like forever ago, despite it being only a few years since we went, but I guess a lot has changed.

Something that I’ve learned through my online therapy for stress management is that when too much is being demanded of you – whether that’s daily life things like paying bills, cleaning the house, or bigger things like a deadline at work – you need to use more of your social safety net to help you cope. The thing is, I’m terrible at this. When I get overloaded with stress my first instinct is to shut down everything else. If I’m being honest, a lot of my stress is self-made. I’m trying to be better at being able to tell when I’m stressed but it’s very difficult. I’ll be fine one moment and the next thing I know I’m spending my whole day in bed watching videos.

Another thing I’m always working on is trying to be kinder to myself. I have a nasty habit of beating myself up for things that don’t matter. Like right now, my inner dialogue is saying “Why can’t you just snap out of it? You know it’s ridiculous to be upset with yourself because it doesn’t help you at all!”

I’m also just stressed about money and business stuff and feeling like an impostor. I want to wake up early and be productive but then that fear of failure creeps in and sits at the back of my neck all night while I’m trying to fall asleep. I need to find a way to put that fear to bed so I can get some rest.