I wasn’t expecting to do any last-minute shopping but I guess my anxiety had other plans!! Alex and I spent the evening rushing to the shops in the hopes of finding an outfit for me to wear to Christmas. My body image hasn’t been very positive lately and because I put so much pressure on myself to have the “perfect” Christmas (give appropriate presents that are wrapped perfectly, look like I put an effort in, don’t look fat, etc) so I suddenly started panicking about what I was going to wear to Christmas with Alex’s family.
Since I’m plus-size, shopping isn’t always a simple feat, and on December 23rd it’s even more difficult. I eventually found some clothes that ticked the boxes for me, but not without having multiple breakdowns in the car. After the first shop when I couldn’t find any dresses that worked, I just felt so deflated and awful about myself. It wasn’t even about the outfits or whatever, though. It’s definitely about the fact that I have been taught all of my life that my best is never good enough, and that’s been woven through every area of my life to the point where I make myself jump through these insane hoops in order to feel like I’m worthy of love and acceptance. In reality, I know I’m worthy of love and I know I am accepted by friends and family.
Working on breaking these habits and rules I’ve made for myself is incredibly challenging. I did feel better once I was able to find a few outfits, but I feel really good knowing that I’ve been able to point out the real root of what was going on even though I’m obviously still working on letting stuff like that affect me. My anxiety has been unexpectedly high and I’ve been feeling nervous for Christmas with Alex’s family, so here’s hoping I can be gentle with myself!